October is national Domestic Violence Awareness Month
by Rabbi Elias J. Lieberman, Falmouth Jewish Congregation, Falmouth, MA.
(republished for the Independence House website with expressed permission)
Having served this congregation since 1990 I have been privileged to gain the trust of many members of this community who have shared with me concerns about a number of issues, ranging from financial insecurity, to mental illness, to being a supportive care- giver, to questions of spirituality and faith.
One particular area that I feel has been under-reported is domestic abuse. It is not a secret why this might be the case. It has everything to do with shame. [While domestic abuse is a phenomenon directed against both men and women, in same-sex as well as heterosexual relationships, the overwhelming majority of victims are women.]
Some women talk about the shame they feel as abused women–the difficulty in admitting to themselves, their family, friends and community that they are being hurt by someone they love. The Jewish community reinforces battered women’s embarrassment and self-blame by calling abuse a shanda (shameful), blaming women for causing or not preventing it in their own home. According to sociologists Lipshutz, Kaufman and Setel: “The issue of shame in the Jewish community is a complicated one. So vulnerable to the random violence of surrounding cultures for so long, Jews still have the fear of looking ‘bad’ to others. Throughout our history, Jews have often dealt with community dysfunction by flatly denying that problems such as spousal abuse, addiction, and incest even existed within Jewish communities. We idealized our homes as refuges from a hostile, anti-Semitic world. For generations of Jewish women and children, the abuse suffered within those families was hidden or even viewed as acceptable. Now that victims and survivors have demanded that these issues no longer be ignored, they are sometimes blamed for ‘airing dirty laundry’ or bringing shame to the community. Sadly, women victims often have a similar experience. When they take the courageous step of leaving an abusive relationship, they maybe perceived as betraying Jewish ideals of family and marital fidelity.”
Need to maintain Shalom Bayit (domestic tranquility): Jews, religious and secular, continue to maintain an image of the Jewish home as nurturing, loving, and full of kindness and respect. Popular culture reinforces the notion that Jewish families are by definition harmonious, and that Jewish men make the best husbands. A Jewish woman who experiences a starkly different reality on her own marriage may have difficulty identifying her relationship as abusive, and she may blame herself for not living up to this Jewish ideal. Jewish women often find the notion of preserving the family unit preferable to the shame and guilt of “breaking up the family.” Motivated by the idea that helping a couple to restore shalom bayit is a great mitzvah, friends, family, and rabbis who do not understand the dynamics of abusive relationships may put pressure on women to “work it out.” Many Jewish women have historically been told, both implicitly and explicitly, that all compromises in the name of shalom bayit are legitimate.
Fear of not being believed: Many women who have disclosed abuse have been shunned, told they are committing lashon hara (gossip), disbelieved, ignored and silenced. Expressions by friends, family, or community members of feeling “torn between both parties,” “understanding both points of view” or overtly supporting the abuser, create powerful barriers for women thinking of leaving a relationship.
Fear of being single: Popular culture elevates the status and importance of the Jewish matchmaker, denigrating the “old maid”, often ostracizing he divorcee, so that today many single and divorced women (and men) report that they experience themselves as “not fitting into” the Jewish culture and community.
The Jewish Community: Because Jewish communities are so intricately connected, women may fear disclosing abuse within the very Jewish institutions which may serve her needs because she worries the information will become public or she may know a service provider personally.
Loss of the dream: A woman may be reluctant to give up the hope that her relationship can be restored to the loving partnership she remembers. The abuse may be only one part of a relationship. The couple may continue to experience fun, love, shared concerns. He may be physically violent at times, but affectionate, caring and remorseful at other times. He may be a great father.
A host of other factors may also come into play when a victim contemplates the possibility of taking steps to end an abusive relationship.
Our duty as a Jewish community is, first and foremost, to acknowledge that domestic violence exists within our community, that abusers and victims are our family members, friends and neighbors. We have a responsibility to educate ourselves about domestic violence, to know and publicize the resources within our community that exist to help victims, as well as perpetrators, of domestic violence.
At a time of year when our Torah readings bring us the powerful stories of our patriarchs and matriarchs, whose intimate lives were every bit as challenging and complex as our own, we would do well to use the month of October–Domestic Violence Awareness Month–to educate ourselves and to help address this often-invisible scourge.
Reb Elias
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE RESOURCES:
The display racks in our Chapel corridor contain a number of materials concerning Domestic Violence.
Domestic Violence SafeLink: 1-877-785-2020
Domestic Abuse Program of Jewish Family & Children’sService:781-647-5327 http://jfcsboston.org
Jewish Women International: http://jwiblog.org
Authors bio is coming up shortly.
